Right now I am in a coffee shop having left my baby for the first time, with my Mum and Dad - she’s nearly 4 months. I haven’t left her for longer than 20 minutes since the day she was born so right now I’m feeling all sorts.
She’s all I’m thinking about to be honest, I feel like I’m missing a limb! But I needed this, I just needed a little bit of time to myself to have a coffee, to write this, to breathe.
The guilt is immense though - the thought that she’s probably thinking I’ve just disappeared ahh, I cant spend too much time on that thought otherwise I will just run straight back to her!
But no, its good, its good for both of us and it was the right time, I wouldn’t have felt ready even 2 weeks ago to leave her but now feels good. It has to feel right doesn’t it? Otherwise you’re forcing something that isn’t natural. She gets some quality time with Granny and Grandpa and I get some quality time with myself!
I’ve realised it’s okay to feel bad, or guilty, or whatever you are feeling but just know that you shouldn’t let it linger. There’s that age old quote of ‘the fact you’re worrying about if you’re a good mum means you are one’ So I’m trying not to worry, really trying.
I’ve always been fairly good at ‘self care’ (don’t know why but that term makes me cringe) but that’s the best way to describe it - my favourite form of it is to curl up on the sofa and watch friends or the office but since having Miss T I think walking to a coffee shop by myself is my new favourite now that I sit here.
You are important too and we mustn’t forget ourselves - in order to look after our babies and our families we must look after ourselves! I am believer is putting yourself first but it has to depend on the context.
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There’s a slight break in this post as I went to pick Miss T up, however later in the evening I left her with her dad for the first time so I could go and celebrate a friends birthday. It was hard. Not going to lie, I was not relaxed in the slightest and I have never eat a pizza so quickly in all my life, I lasted an hour before I rang my partner to see how they were both doing; cue hearing her little whimper in the background, but a confident ‘we’re okay, she’s
just a bit sad, it might be wind but don’t worry’; cue me worrying for the next 2 hours, paying early, running to my car and racing home. Her little face when I walked through the door, oh my, thinking about it now will make me well up. I. BROKE. I just completely crumbled, I don’t know what came over me, I just held her and cried for the next 20 mins, going from ‘Elsa get a grip’ to ‘ahhhh my baby’ in the space of 5 seconds.
Anyway, my point - I do have one.
I have always been able to offer care for other people’s children and been able to understand how important children are to their parents, being able to care for them is not only a privilege but something I have always taken very seriously. I have come to find that since having my own there’s this new profound sense of understanding not just for the child but for the parent - parents need to be cared for too and no one more so than a first time mum, second, third, fourth time mum in the whirlwind that is the fourth trimester with this new little soul to care for.
So when the time comes - I’m hoping around summer time, I cannot wait to start caring for mummas (nutritionally, physically, emotionally or informationally) whatever they need as a post natal doula. There’s a lot in the pipeline for Birth Be, the cogs are turning so keep your eyes peeled and thank you for your support so far - I appreciate you!
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