Why we shouldn’t be asking women when they’re having children...

I recently came across an article from Cosmo about Michelle Keegan and Mark Wright’s recent pregnancy announcement. It stuck out to me because it was one of the few news outlets reporting on this happy news, that emphasised the need to stop asking women specifically: "when are you starting a family? Having a baby? Having another baby?"

Now let's get one thing clear - this isn’t me judging you. Lord knows I’ve been guilty of asking these sorts of questions, in the past! I'm sure that plenty of you have asked a close friend or relative these questions too, as they often come up naturally in casual conversation. In these situations, then of course it’s fine to be inquisitive - that is not what this post is about.

It’s about the wider world, namely the media. If my stance on the matter is unclear, then let me quickly spell it out: it is absolutely no one's business what a woman is going through fertility and pregnancy wise. Simple!

Here is why constant questioning is potentially damaging:

Let's consider this hypothetical: the couple next door have been trying for a baby for potentially years, though outsiders may not be aware of this. Ever since this couple have moved in together, it’s all they get asked by work colleagues and extended family members who are not privy to their fertility struggles. Behind the scenes, this couple are going through one of the hardest journeys they've had to face as a unit - something so personal that they may not feel comfortable enough to share it with people outside of their inner circle. The constant questions, no matter the good intention or how jovially spoken, are putting them in a situation that makes them even more aware of the pain they are going through.

Another example: You ask a female colleague, who’s just had a miscarriage unbeknownst to you, if she’s planning on having babies. Can you imagine having to answer that question? How can you possibly go about explaining, to someone you don't even have a personal relationship with, what your body has been going through in the past few weeks?

Finally - an elderly relative asks a girl, who isn’t even sure if she wants children, "so when are you going to settle down and have a baby?" now that she's reached her mid-twenties. She doesn’t owe that relative, or anyone at all, an explanation. So let’s stop asking her.

Women do not owe the world children. We have moved beyond the idea that a female's purpose is to fulfill her 'biological destiny'. You are not any less valuable if you cannot - or choose not to - have children. You are not any less feminine. You are not any less worthy. Society must stop putting women in these situations, time and time again. If women want to tell you, they will tell you without prompt. Now, 9 times out of 10 the question is asked without intent to harm or upset: it’s part of life and as humans we are an inherently 'nosy' species. Most people understand this because, I hope, most people are rational and understanding.

As for celebrity interviewers; how about we ask women about their roles, their experiences, their craft and artistry, their expertise? Hey, why not even ask them about their day! In the aforementioned Cosmo article, Michelle goes on to say that, in the 9 years her and Mark Wright have been together, he has never been asked about children. However, she gets asked about expanding her family in most interviews she takes. Men, both inside and outside the spotlight, simply don't fall victim to this sort of inquisition. Maybe one of you, dear readers, can shed some light on why that is? Because it certainly baffles me. It takes two to tango and men are equally responsible for creating new life - so why is it their female counterparts that have to put up with relentlessly intimate lines of questioning?

So, what's my take away from all this? Rome wasn't built in a day and I know that change is easier said than implemented. Essentially, the private lives of celebrities is what sells. It's what makes newspapers their money and gives gossip websites more hits. However, I have faith in the future, as change often starts from the ground up - starting from us regular folk! We can all take the pressure off of pregnant people by advocating for them and intervening when we see people's questioning making them uncomfortable. If we're unable to intervene, we can be there in the aftermath by offering someone a listening ear or even a cup of tea. A simple "are you alright?" goes a long, long way. Let's work hard to keep some mystery in the world and let women tell their own stories, in their own time.